So I went to a meeting last night, something for my recovery. Of course even though I spend sometimes almost 10 hours a day alone with the twins, I have to feel guilty for leaving them for an hour and fifteen minutes with my husband. This is especially tough when I get home knowing by the look on his face that it was a tough hour and fifteen minutes.
It was a women’s meeting and I was anxious, headed to a new place filled with new people – relocating can be so tough. Leading up to last night I had some good days and some not so good days when I missed my recovery community in Wisconsin and missed my best friend, even missed the snow as crazy as that sounds. It is almost Christmas after all and how odd to just be wearing a rain coat with a high of 65 degrees this Sunday.
I walked in late, getting lost and with 8% battery on my phone, afraid I might not make it back home on the iPhone GPS. I already felt like crying before I even sat down in the filled room with women I feel like I’ve met before but who I’m afraid to look in the eye.
I made myself talk and the Kleenex came flying at me in all directions. Leave it to a women’s meeting to have ample tissues. When I spoke, as often happens at meetings, I’m not sure what all came out but I do remember being surprised that this is what I was actually thinking.
“I don’t want to be in recovery. I don’t have time for this anymore. I am a mother, a twin mom, and this is my focus now.”
You see, I’ve barely been able to shower or eat a meal let alone leave the house for an hour to go to a meeting. Back home before twins, I was reminded constantly of who I was in active addiction. I worked full time in the field, went to meetings and all that goes along with it, worked with other women in recovery and had sober friends. Here and now however, my old identity is like shattered glass: the pieces are there but what was is unrecognizable. I feel like I am someone new. The old has gone.
I am a mom now.
Who am I apart from this?
Clearly not an alcoholic/addict.
I don’t have time for this.
How does recovery fit into this new life?
These thoughts and more swirled and instantly I was brought back to reality the moment my words hit the air.
The truth is, I can’t forget. I never want my children to see me in active addiction. I never want them to feel that my affections are divided (it’s hard enough with twins trying to balance attention). The mom they know and love is one who is in recovery and is healthy. After all, it’s recovery that had a hand in clearing the way for my dreams to come true – to marry a good man and be a mommy.
I have to make time.